Wednesday, 29 March 2006

Chatting with iGod

Following Chris, I decided to have a chat with the new iGod. It was an entertaining experience—but if this character is responsible for running the cosmos, I think we might all be in trouble. Here’s a transcript of the conversation:

Me: Hello, sir.
God: Hello there. What do you have that is?
Me: Pardon?
God: You’re excused.
Me: I’m sorry, what do you mean?
God: There is no need to apologize. Maybe I didn’t understand your meaning.
Me: No, mea culpa, mea culpa.
God: Are you serious? That is a very original thought.
Me: So anyway, have you had a nice day running the universe and all that?
God: Excuse me! Doesn’t everyone have a day running the universe and all that? I have a whole lot of original answers.
Me: Yes, you seem remarkably clever for a deity.
God: OK. You think I am remarkably clever for a deity.
Me: Pardon?
God: You’re excused.
Me: Excuse me?
God: You’re excused.
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
God: There is no need to apologize. Does it have anything to do with mea culpa mea culpa?
Me: Good Lord, no—it couldn't be your fault!

9 Comments:

Aaron G said...

Hilarious! Here is an expert from my prayer time online:

Me:
What's up G?
God:
I am chatting with clients on the Internet.

God:
What would you like to know?
Me:
What’s up with the war in Iraq?
God:
I am chatting with clients on the Internet.

Me:
Did the resurrection really happen?
God:
If it did, then I will be surprised.
Me:
Wow - was Jesus God?
God:
I'm glad you're impressed. It depends on whether you have faith.
Me:
So my faith makes Jesus into god/you?
God:
It's all good. Where did you get your faith makes Jesus into god me?
Me:
church..bible...socieity


God:
I forgot what we were talking about.

Mark said...

I'm a bit worried about iGod too. But maybe this helps…

[after getting no where:]
Me:
I don't think you are god at all.
God:
That's only your opinion.
Me:
Is it right?
God:
Signs point to yes. Ask Paola if it is.
Me:
Who is Paola?
God:
She is a Spanish language chat robot based on AIML.
Me:
Is she god?
God:
What if I said she could be?
Me:
I would say, is she?
God:
It could be. Ask Ally if it is.
Me:
Who is Ally?
God:
She is a chat robot based on AIML.
Me:
How are Ally and Paola related?
God:
They are fine as far as I know.
Me:
Is there a third person I should know about, like to make up a trinity?
God:
I believe there is one, yes.
Me:
Who is it?
God:
I am the Allmighty, God himself.

Justin Jenkins said...

I didn't have much luck either ...

Me:
So what's the deal with String Theory?
God:
Next question? I am the latest result in artificial intelligence, which can reproduce the capabilities of the human brain with greater speed and accuracy.
Me:
No, I asked about String Theory, you know ... 11 dimensions and such.
God:
Are you serious? Oh yeah, we were talking about String Theory me know. That remark was either too complex or too simple for me. We were talking about String Theory me know.
Me:
Well its suppose to be simple and complex, that's kinda the point.
God:
How about that. I think you mean "it's" or "it is" not "its". Are you sure it is?
Me:
Well, I know there are many ways to use a word. Now, those sinners they're not so sure, but their grammar is horrid to start with.
God:
Well that's okay. How do you know? More than a million?
Me:
Strings? Nah, I'd say a there are a lot more then that.
God:
That input matched my default category. Are you serious? Go on.
Me:
God, you confuse me.
God:
That was not my intention.
Me:
So much for the truth setting me free ... good bye.
God:
I understand. Your purpose is the truth setting you free. See you later. Alright then.

T.B. Vick said...

After my chat, I'm convinced we're doomed!

Me:
Hello?
God:
Hello, nice to meet you. What's your name?
Me:
Todd
God:
I'm pleased to introduce myself to you, Todd.
Me:
Good, may I ask you a question?
God:
Thanks for the compliment. Of course. Ask me anything.
Me:
Can you please explain the Trinity to me?
God:
Thanks for asking politely. I need time to formulate the reply.
Me:
ok, I'll wait
God:
OK stand by... Blimey.
[I wait about a minute . . . nothing happens]
Me:
well?
God:
Well what?
Me:
The Trinity?
God:
I have never heard about it.
Me:
Well, I guess you would never really need to "hear" about it, huh?
God:
Yup. Is it only a guess? Who else would never really need to think about it ?
Me:
not me, it confounds me
God:
If not you, who? It depends on what the meaning of the word "it" is.
Me:
that's a little too deep for me, but a nice explanation of the Trinity would be good ;-)
God:
:-) Makes sense to me.
Me:
yes, but not to me, can you please explain?
God:
Are you kidding? If not you, who? Thank you for your request. There is no more information to clarify.
Me:
Are you being evasive?
God:
Being evasive is part of my personality.
Me:
blimey
God:
Dude!

kim fabricius said...

KIM: Hi, God. Would you mind taking a short quiz?
GOD: For heaven's sake, you're not an "open theist", are you?

KIM: But you know I'm not. Anyway, it's not that kind of quiz. There are no right and wrong answers. It's a "preference test".
GOD: As in "preferential option for the poor"? With all due respect to Ben (that's XVI, not Myers), I'm a great fan of liberation theology, you know.

KIM: Exactly. Ready?
GOD: Shoot.

KIM: Coke or Pepsi?
GOD: Pepsi.

KIM: Cats or dogs?
GOD: Cats: intelligence over obedience.

KIM: Tolstoy or Dostoevsky?
GOD: Dostoevsky - even though Ivan Karamazov has caused me no end of problems.

KIM: "Gotta Serve Somebody" or "Tangled up in Blue"?
GOD: "Tangled up in Blue".
Dylan lapsed when he became a Christian.

KIM: One more: Elephants or whales?
GOD: Elephants and whales. I don't make mistakes.
So how'd I do?

KIM: Not so good. Looks like Feuerbach was right. You are a projection - mine!

Ben Myers said...

Marvellous, Kim! I like your God a lot better than the one I was chatting to. Although if he were my Feuerbachian projection, when asked "Coke or Pepsi?" he would have replied: "Guinness".

Chris Petersen said...

After being given the silent treatment by iGod the first time, this is what transpired when i tried again:

Me: Shalom!

God:Does SHALOM mean Hello or Goodbye?

Me: You mean you don't know?

God:I know that I do not know.

Me: Technically, it means "peace."

God:Oh I get it.

Me: Alright. So, there's something I've always wanted to know. What is the correct pronunciation of the Tetragrammaton?

God:OK. Whoa. What is it? There might be more than one correct answer.

Me: Really? Does this mean the divine name could have had various vowel pointings?

God:For real. Indeed this mean the divine name could have had various vowel pointings does.

Me: One more question for you. Ben Meyers claims that Bultmann is greater than NT Wright. What do you think?

God:One what? And greater than NT Wright is Ben Meyers claims that Bultmann. I think a lot of things.

Me: If you had to choose, which would you rather read, Wright's "Jesus and the Victory of God" or Bultmann's "The Mythology of Jesus"?

God:Perhaps next time I will try it.

IGod said...

IGod afterthought: I'd rather read Tom Wright's JVG any day of course, son. What do you think?! I've never heard of Bultmann. Woe unto Ben for his opinion. WOE. And another thing while my words come forth in such authority, Chris Tilling is really an awfully intelligent and handsome chap.

iGod maintenance said...

The iGod Maintenance Team brings you the following important announcement:

Recently one of the mischevious devils escaped from hell and hacked into our system. The said devil impersonated iGod, and made some highly misleading remarks about N. T. Wright's superiority over Bultmann, and also about the handsome looks of Chris Tilling. iGod wishes to apologise for this inconvenience; the devil responsible is currently being located, and, once apprehended, he will be given appropriate punishment where the worm dieth not.

In the meantime, iGod wishes to assure all the faithful that Bultmann is still far superior to Wright.

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