Caption contest: Milbank and Hauerwas meet the Pope
Here’s a picture from last week’s conference in Rome: Milbank and Hauerwas meet Benedict XVI. (Thanks to Luke Bretherton for the pic.) A free book for the best caption…
Matt Wilcoxen
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"In a surprise move at the Vatican this weekend, Pope Benedict XVI performed a spontaneous same-sex union of renowned theologians John Milbank and Stanley Hauerwas."
I think we have a winner! Really -- brilliant.
the contest is over...amazing.
Epic win.
Great picture and caption! I couldn't get a good picture myself.
"Join me and I will complete your training..."
The Pope seemed equally bemused by Hauerwas' blue-jean greeting, "Oh hell, your Excellency, it's damn good to meet you!" and the first words out of Milbank's mouth, "Papa, I am sure you will be relieved to know that I have given your thought my imprimatur and accepted you as a proper Thomist!"
"Ego te absolvo a peccatis tuis in nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Sancti. Amen."
"The pope and Joseph Ratzinger are unimpressed when Cardinal Milbank shows them his supended middle."
["Cardinal" is Nicholas Lash's mischievous moniker for Milbank.]
Milbank approached the kindly gentleman in white. "Excuse me, signore, do you have a spare jacket? My friend Stanley here left his at the pizzeria, and is about to meet the Pope."
Woman in crowd: "Oh my God, do you see that guy in the white cap? The man talking with him is Stanley Hauerwas!"
"Benedict declines self-appointment of new Cardinal Secretary; America's best theologian slow to intervene."
Someone told me the funny story, I forget who it was, that Milbank was introducing himself, and describing his work, and Benedict seemed unmoved (with no recognition of this important theologian)...until Milbank mentioned that he was also Catherine Pickstock's professor, at which point Benedict lit up and said, "Catherine Pickstock! Yes!"
I don't have a caption, but I'm pretty sure Hauerwas' face says a lot here.
He looks sort of annoyed, don't you think? Perhaps it is because Milbank is stealing the show and chatting Ratzinger's ear off -or maybe Hauerwas is just sad about the fact that the pope seemed recognize Milbank but he had to introduce himself.
Benedict: 'The entire ecclesial task falls on what?'
Finding himself excluded from yet another circle because of his reputation as a "sectarian fideistic tribalist," Stanley tried in vain to insert himself into the conversation.
"And could you sign it, 'Dear Karl, Aqwhiney pays the billz,
all my love,
Benny?'"
I don't have a suggestion for a fictional caption, but I heard the following secondhand, from someone who heard Stanley and John talking afterwards outside the auditorium. Stanley said (to my friend) (imagine Stanley's Texan twang):
'We got in there and John said "Oh, very good to meet you your holiness; I think everything you've written recently is actually mostly correct!" And the pope looked so f*ckin' pleased!'
To which John responded 'Well, I didn't say EVERYTHING - I am after all still an Englishman.'
How about:
Milbank: No, father, I'm not sure if Stanley was being literal about not kissing "your goddamned ring," either.
MILBANK: Oh, very good to meet you your holiness; I think everything you've written recently is actually mostly correct!
POPE: Do you see this funny hat?
MILBANK: What?
POPE: The hat. Can you see the funny little white hat on my head?
MILBANK: Yes, but . . .
POPE (interrupting): Do you think they just hand these things out?
MILBANK: Well, no . . .
POPE (interrupting): Let me tell you something, Slick. I don't need you to tell me that I'm doing a good job being a Pope, ok? I've got it under control, thank you very much. When I need notes from you, I'll come take your class, alright?
HAUERWAS (to MILBANK): John, are you gonna let that motherfucker talk to you like that?
[POPE raises a finger and an elderly NUN steps forward with a ruler and raps HAUERWAS smartly across the knuckles.]
HAUERWAS: Sonofabitch!
[NUN slaps him across the knuckles with the ruler again.]
MILBANK: Jesus Christ!
NUN (swatting MILBANK on the knuckles as well): Don't you blaspheme in the presence of the Holy Father!
[POPE smiles.]
[scene]
Can't top Halden's!
"Trick or treat!"
Yes, I cannot deny a certain perverse but sublime pleasure in reading Halden's caption.
BENEDICT: So... you're those two assholes I've heard so much about?
Another...
BENEDICT: Hmm. I've not heard of either of you.
A small man in white declares to two heretics, "I'm not really Catholic".
Theologian's wet dream.
Heilige Scheiße! Mr. Lucas, I didn't know C-3Po was programned to drop an "F" bomb?
Should we care?
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