Wednesday 23 March 2011

Yet more doodlings

by Kim Fabricius

Yesterday, séances; today, NDEs.

Hell’s Bell – a double-predestinarian responds to Love Wins.

Double or Nothing – an annihilationist responds to Love Wins.

Sign at the entrance to Hell: “Due to global warming, we have relocated to Pittsburgh.”

Man Well Drest: the Versace Guide to Prayer.

Have you ever noticed how some people pray freely by rote?

Some Christians, at prayer meetings, say they justwanna praise Jesus for this, and justwanna thank Jesus for that, and justwanna ask Jesus for the other thing. For Christ’s sake, I think, just go ahead and do it!

Of course God answers prayer. I have seen it happen. Once, indeed, at a prayer meeting of local evangelical church leaders. One pastor prayed and prayed and prayed to the Lord that we be delivered from cruelty, torture, and oppression. Then the meeting ended.

The shema of the postmodern church: “Hear, O Israel, get into tribes and share your stories.”

Every morning I look in the mirror to shave and feel immense self-loathing at the human being I have become. This Lent I finally decided to do something radical about it: I am growing a beard.

Augustine said that most sins were committed by people crying and groaning. That would explain the bishop of Hippo’s identification of sex with sin.

Whenever you hear a preacher preach on “unconditional” grace, make sure you can see both his hands.

A preacher once told me that he always times his sermons. I felt like telling him that he should try using a watch instead of a calendar.

In Britain Christians don’t believe in the fall, they believe in the autumn.

Imagine the crisis in American Christianity over the liturgical year if it were discovered that Jesus rose on Super Bowl Sunday.

The trinitarian theology of penal substitution: two people and a missing person.

Some people read the Sermon on the Mount as if Jesus were looking for their opinion.

Why have American right wing televangelists not been shouting that the earthquake and tsunami are God’s judgement on Japan? It’s the economy, stupid.

An elderly woman, recently widowed, once anxiously asked me how, when she died, she would find her husband in heaven amidst the multitude. I gently pulled her leg. “The problem,” I said, “won’t be locating but identifying him. Just remember, don’t go looking for an old bald guy with dentures.”

Silliness is the most neglected of virtues. Silliness is next to godliness.

What was God doing before he created the world? I suspect he was doing some forward planning and thinking about Holy Saturday.

The United Reformed Church will soon be launching a new evangelistic campaign based on the premise that “advertising is the language of our time”, and created to “cut through the platitudes and clichés that have so often characterised church communications.” That cemeterial sound is George Orwell turning in his grave.

The question isn’t WWJD but what would Peter do. Then just do the opposite.

If a Catholic priest drops the host, does he pick it up or help it up?

If the authors of an inerrant Bible took an exam on their subject, I guess an extra credit question would be rather pointless, wouldn’t it?

Ninety percent of the university consists of dark matter. That is not a misprint.


Anonymous said...

Something perhaps the FT crowd will enjoy: Advertisement for Reformed Presbyterian Senior Care that says, "You have a choice."

Mike Crowl said...

Many of these are just brilliant.

And the rest are brilliant.

Great list to start off the day; I'm now debating who I can send various ones to...

Pamela said...

Kim with a beard? Hairy.

Brilliant Kim, thanks so much.

Anonymous said...

Some people read the Sermon on the Mount as if Christ didn't write Joshua.

Steve Wright said...

For some of us the Justwannas are inscribed in our Eucharistic liturgy: "Let us give thanks to the Lord..."

Bengt Rasmusson said...

I LOL, Kim, as usual. Interesting how the Justwannas have got translated all over the world. In Sweden the inspired translation reads "Jag vill bara...". Isn't it wonderful how the Gospel is so translateable...

roger flyer said...

And the remaining 10% is Kim' dark brain matter.

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