Tuesday, 6 September 2016

My failed attempt to write for Babylon Bee

I tried, reader, I tried my very best. What else can a person do? I wrote a piece for the satirical website, Babylon Bee. I submitted it humbly and with a good heart. I didn't even ask for money: all I wanted was eternal fame etc. But it has been weeks now – weeks! – and still I've heard nothing. I can only assume the worst: that I am not good enough; not funny enough; a failure; that I will never find a place within that blessed buzzing hive of evangelical humour. Alas and damn it all!

Anyway it is with low spirits and lower self-esteem that I bring my failed submission to you here. Read it – and weep, as I do.

Product recall on hundreds of church ministers

Newark, NJ—A product recall of nearly 200 clergy has sent shockwaves through the Episcopal Church. The denomination’s Executive Council issued the recall after traces of conservative theology were detected in a sermon in Newark on Sunday.

The unnamed minister is reported to have made reference to the “bodily resurrection” of Jesus, while also describing certain scriptural writings as “truth.”

“We don’t know how these foreign objects found their way into our church,” said a spokesperson for the diocese. “But we apologize to the public and we are cooperating fully with the national regulators to determine the source of the contamination.”

The national governing body of the Episcopal Church issued an immediate product recall of all clergy ordained in the same year as the offending priest. The 194 clergy will be returned to Episcopal seminaries across the country for a minimum 12 month period of re-indoctrination. Their personal libraries will also be screened for foreign contaminants.

The church has set up a dedicated consumer hotline offering counseling and theological affirmation for those affected by the incident. Any members of the public concerned about their health should seek immediate assistance.


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