Tuesday, 6 September 2016

My failed attempt to write for Babylon Bee

I tried, reader, I tried my very best. What else can a person do? I wrote a piece for the satirical website, Babylon Bee. I submitted it humbly and with a good heart. I didn't even ask for money: all I wanted was eternal fame etc. But it has been weeks now – weeks! – and still I've heard nothing. I can only assume the worst: that I am not good enough; not funny enough; a failure; that I will never find a place within that blessed buzzing hive of evangelical humour. Alas and damn it all!

Anyway it is with low spirits and lower self-esteem that I bring my failed submission to you here. Read it – and weep, as I do.

Product recall on hundreds of church ministers

Newark, NJ—A product recall of nearly 200 clergy has sent shockwaves through the Episcopal Church. The denomination’s Executive Council issued the recall after traces of conservative theology were detected in a sermon in Newark on Sunday.

The unnamed minister is reported to have made reference to the “bodily resurrection” of Jesus, while also describing certain scriptural writings as “truth.”

“We don’t know how these foreign objects found their way into our church,” said a spokesperson for the diocese. “But we apologize to the public and we are cooperating fully with the national regulators to determine the source of the contamination.”

The national governing body of the Episcopal Church issued an immediate product recall of all clergy ordained in the same year as the offending priest. The 194 clergy will be returned to Episcopal seminaries across the country for a minimum 12 month period of re-indoctrination. Their personal libraries will also be screened for foreign contaminants.

The church has set up a dedicated consumer hotline offering counseling and theological affirmation for those affected by the incident. Any members of the public concerned about their health should seek immediate assistance.


Al said...

A pity that wasn't published!

I've followed your example and shared my failed submission here.

Ben Myers said...

Thanks Al - we could start a rival website of The Babylon Bee Rejects!

Robert said...

Very funny and true to their genre. What gives over there at Babylon Bee?

Austin Taylor said...

The joke needs to land if you just read the headline.

Graham Rees said...

I see your problem. You unwittingly left in elements of truth in your reportage. #rookiemove

Tim Goldsmith said...

Too close to the bone... :(

D. W. McClain said...

very funny! careful though: aspiring to write for the BB and satirizing the liberalism of TEC. . . you're sounding Crypto Catholic (again).

Rob said...

That must... sting?

Anonymous said...

Stingeth greatly it does Lol

- The Smiling Pilgrim

Stephen said...

I'd not come across Babylon Bee before... now I'll *never* get any work done...

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